How easily you can ruin things!!

Gah after i have been so good for around a month now and have managed not to self harm i managed to screw up last night :/. I had got really good at doing other things to stop me from thinking about it, but last night everything just really got too me and i just couldn’t stop myself. I now feel just so guilty and upset i wish i could go back and stop myself from doing it, its just made everything worse and bad again :/. I feel like i have let a few people down  as well, i tried to show them that i don’t need to do it, but hmm i have just made myself look stupid now. Hopefully now i will try again and just try to stop all together but its just going too be so hard.

Thanks for reading

Jack.

1 year :o how time flys!!!

It has been a whole year since me and my best friend in the whole world Barrett started talking. I can’t believe how quick the time has gone, so much has happened between us. There has been ups and downs, and some really sad times. But it has been so much fun talking to him for such a long time, and i really hope that we can do this for years to come. He has been the sweetest person in the world to me, and at times has really just kept me going i owe the world to him i really do. Last night and the night before  was one of the happiest nights of my life, we just talked for hours we were on cam and  it was just so much fun, he always makes me smile and laugh . I hope i will be able to blog about this next year aswell, i hope we can keep our relationship going for as long as possible. And maybe one day in the future meet it would be just damn amazing, probably not going to happen but you can always dream. Tonight will just round it off .

Thanks for reading

Jack  

Have you never been a teenager before???

Recently i have been going out a lot more with my friends, as i have become better friends with a few people, (they have basically become like part of my family lol and i love them soo much ) And ive been camping quite a few times with them, normally on the weekends untill sunday so we can spend some more time with each other. My parents and my sister are just  overly paranoid about what im doing there. They must think im taking hard drugs there and drinking so much that i puke all over the floor, which just isn’t true.  But like my title says im sure all teenagers have been drinking before and do get drunk, and i do that, but i know when to stop its not like im going to have so much im going to end up in hospital. Alcohol isn’t even that bad, the only way it can be dangerous really is if you drink every day, which i dont do only on fridays and saturdays. Also they think that i take drugs well hmm i have tried weed like sooo many other people have, but i really dont do it alot like once in a while and its a thing that i could if i wanted to give up easily. I just wish my family would understand im just trying some new things, but i haven’t changed as a person at all, so they need to take a damn chill pill and let me have fun with my friends. You only get to be a teenager once and i want to have fun while i can.

Thanks for reading.

Jack

I’m back.

Well it has been a long time since i have written a post, its not that i have forget about it just, not had a lot of time really been quite bust recently but it’s the 6 weeks holiday now so i have plenty of time.

Well what has happened since last time. Only a few main things really. Firstly i got into another relationship, Ga it was SO good at the start of it, everything seemed to be going right and i was so happy. But suddenly it just started to go all wrong, it was hard to speak to him i just couldn’t hold a conversation with him which is weird as i talk a lot lol. And whenever we did talk it just turned into another argument. Then all of a sudden he started to get really defensive about me being with other guys, which just kind of scared me a bit. I’m allowed to have other friends I’m 15 for god sake I’m not going to be tied down like that, especially when i can go out every day etc, make the most out of being young. So when i went out with friends he got really angry and started to say i was going to screw a guy, just because he was gay as well, which is jut not true he might be an ex of mine but we WERE just friends. So i basically said if your going to be like that, i don’t see the point of being with you, as I’m just not happy anymore, and obviously that’s what you want out of it. Shame we couldn’t stay friends though :/.

Another thing what has happened was i invited an ex of mine to come out with me and my friends, 2 other girls were with me so i knew i would be ok with him, and that he couldn’t try to mess around with me. Well we go back to a place to get drunk basically and he starts to act all strange and kept trying to touch me, so as you can imagine i just told him to get off me. He got really upset and ran off,so i followed him so that i knew he was going to be ok and wouldn’t hurt himself. But i try to talk to him then he just runs off again and says he’s going to kill himself, i was like fuck, ran off to get my other friends so we could try to find him. We were running through the woods for about 10 minutes and couldn’t find him. So we went back to where we were sitting, and he was just standing there. He seriously freaked me out, i thought i was responsible of someone killing there-self, yet when we told him to leave he was being so damn rude to me and my friends. I haven’t spoken to him since and never want to again. He scared the hell out of me and is just weird. God knows why he thought anything was going to happen, i made it clear, i just wanted to give it a go at being friends nothing else.

That is the start so far i will write some more another time, but tomorrow and Tuesday I’m camping so i will write when next possible.

thanks for reading

Jack.

?

So recently i just seem to be day dreaming a lot for some weird reason i dont know why but i have.  It scares me when i start and what really pops into my head i hate thinking too much it gets me down, thinking of all the things that i really do want to come true or all of the things that  i have dont and regret doing.  Like the other night i just sat there waiting for someone to come onto msn and i started to think about why i am here and really if i were to commit suicide or just die would anyone really care and even if they did they would forget all about me and everything that ive done, so really whats the point in living if you will be forgotten not long after you die. It really just got me really upset knowing that even though i try to be the best person i can really no one cares or notices. the only way really to be remembered is if your famous and most of those people are just tossers and dont deserve to be known and havnt done anything to help others and only care that they are the centre of attention.

Also i was thinking about later in life people say that being a child is the best time in your life, well mine has sucked pretty bad better then a lot of peoples worse then others, but when i do get older what will i turn out to be i have always tried my hardest in all lessons and really want to do well for myself so i can live a long and happy life. But surely thats what everyone wants yet you look at most of he older population and they have been stuck ina terrible job which they hate earning crap money and living a shit life, so there is nothing to look forward to just more shit throughout your whole life.

Basically life is a long line of different types of suffering and in maybe those 80 years that you live for only in a few of them will you truely be happy and glad for who you are. Well thats my outlook on it anyway might not be true for all but the average man and woman that always seems to be the  case.

Thanks for reading.

Jack

Sooo far this week.

Well like i had said in my last post which was a while back now i have exams this week. They haven’t gone to bad this week except i didn’t really understand my german exam at all, but kind of made me laugh really. But im really happy with myself my r.e exam was super it went so well, all the question jut fitted me and i was able to go on a rant on one of the questions which made me feel good lol.

But this week has been bad when ive got home and i dont even really know why i just feel really down, and sooo damn tired it just has been annoying i have also found it hard to eat again, which just drives me up the wall when that happens to me it makes me so angry and upset that i take it out on myself, which makes me even more angry,  So when ive gone into my exams i have been so tired so find it hard to focus in on what im supposed to be doing, but some coffee or red bull sorts that out lol.

But one thing this week which has just made me keep going and smiling is Barrett, had some really good convosations with him which have made me so happy, i just hope that he will come here and see me one day would just be so amazing to see him, but i wouldnt know what to do wih myself  lol. Also his new pictures on flickr are amazing and the one of him is just amazing it makes me drool every time i look at it lol.

I’m looking forward to friday and saturday though, should be a lot of  fun going out with my friends to have a drink and just genrally hang out with them which is a thing i love doing i love being with my friends they are the people which keep me going and smile.

Well basically that is my week so far rounded up pretty boring lol, im sure i will have some stories from going out with my friends to tell you another day. I’m sorrry for bad spelling etc im writing this pretty late and i really am to tired to go through it all lol.

Thanks for reading 

Jack.

Exams….. great.

I have exams next week which start on Monday which I am soo nervous about, and I just hope I don’t fail them. It depends on what options you have picked to how many exams you have to do, as I picked a lot of humanities I have 7 exams to revise for. I am finding it soo damn hard to revise, when for the first time in ages it has been such a nice week and I just don’t want to sit inside and make notes about loads of boring subjects I don’t care about. And also recently I have been stuffing up in all lessons, I just can’t concentrate for a whole lessons its annoying me so much, I can just see me failing all of them no matter how much I revise. My teachers just expect us to have no life and revise for stupid amount of time and do nothing else, I want to go out for once im having a social life so I want to continue doing that. So they say just sort your priorities out work is more important which I agree it is, but I need a break from school. And then the week after that we have a proper exams which go towards our final grades and they decide to put that in the middle of work experience which is just soo stupid why put it in that week? That means im going to have to miss hours from my work experience which just isn’t right. Grrr so annoying. It’s just a short little moan as I just have been getting really angry about it recently, just a little outburst it could go on for longer: P.

Thanks for reading.

Jack.

Self Harming.

Well, I thought that this would be a good thing to write about as I have struggled with this, and im sure a lot of other people have as well. So I am one of many people who do self harm a lot. It is a terrible thing to start doing. I started to do it about a year ago, because I was just very upset and I couldn’t deal with the way I was feeling. So I thought that self harming would make it better and I would forget about all of the sadness in my life, and about everything which was going on. In a way for a few seconds it does get rid of that, but then it is so painful and you feel worse then you did before you did it, but those few seconds felt better. Then when you do tell someone there like just stop, but its like anything its really hard to stop doing it, and you start to rely on it to make you feel better. People have tried to advise me to do other things to take my mind off it, like going for a walk, or listen to music but even though they may work for a little while, in the end you end up doing what you did in the first place, and start to self harm again. I really wish I could stop doing it completely, recently I have started to do it less but still I do it when im get upset. Another annoying thing which does come with self harming is that sometimes it can be hard to cover the scars, from where you did it and some people will see what you have done, some people get really shocked and try to help out, and there are others who just laugh at you and call you an emo which is just one of the most annoying things ever, I would like to see that person in mine or other peoples positions and see what they would do, and realize what there doing is making everything worse. Hopefully soon I will be able to stop doing it completely, but it is very hard as people who used to do it will tell you.  But I think with some more help I can do it, but will still have to live with the scars from when I used to, and get asked question all the time. But from doing it I have realized it doesn’t really work, never try it because you will keep doing it, you have to stop, or just don’t bother starting it makes things worse in the end. Well I tried to sum it up and make it brief, its a really hard thing to write about unless you are in that situation, you just wont be able to understand what is going through your head as your doing it.

Thanks for reading,

Jack.

Online friends hmm.

Well as sad as some people may think it is, I have made a couple of really good friends via the internet. And thank god that I did make them, as I don’t think I would be here without them, as I don’t have any good and loyal friends at school who I can talk about everything with.

Firstly, a friend I have made called Barrett. He is the most amazing person I have ever talked to in my whole life.  He is just such a kind and helpful person, there have been so many times where I must of bored the hell out of him with all my problems, and he has sat there and talked to me on msn or on Skype about them, and tried to help me.  Every single time I talk to him I just can’t stop smiling, he just makes me soooo happy and makes me feel good about myself. Also he is stunning, such a good looking guy amazing eyes great body and I love his hair he’s just sooo yummy lol. There is only one bad thing about him, and that isn’t his fault lol, he lives in Connecticut in America which is so annoying I have never been able to see him, which is really sad and annoying as im just so desperate to see him. Hopefully one day that we will be able to meet, but I know if that happens I will never want to leave him. He is the guy who I talked about in one of my blogs saying that I really loved him but it will just don’t think it will ever happen .

The other guy who im really good friends with is called Riley. He is an incredible guy like Barrett he puts up with me moaning and really helps me out a lot with some problem.  But we have a lot in common, we both love football and talk about it a lot and we both play it so we ask how each others team has got on etc, we have some great convocations about it lol.  He is a interesting guy to talk to just in general his life seems so interesting and fun to live. He is also very good looking lol his body is just perfect and he has amazing hair: D, and his future im sure will be very good he has some good plans and I hope they will all work and he will be very successful. He is a super guy basically and I love talking to him. Hopefully I will get to meet him one day. He is another guy that I have a huge crush on lol and I love him a lot but like Barrett it’s just not going to happen.

Hope you have enjoyed reading

Jack

Eating can be a challenge!

Well in my experience I found it very hard to eat at any times in the day, and trying to make me eat would just make me feel sick, I didn’t want to admit to myself that I had something wrong with me as I thought it was nothing, and that it would be all ok in time. But as you can imagine, my family started to get very worried about me, and I got forced to go to the doctors to see if there was anything wrong.

There was something wrong, with me and I had a very very low bmi and got put onto a food plan straight away, and got told that if I didn’t put on 3 stone then I would have to go into hospital, and basically have tubes put down my throat which would make me eat and then that would get me to put enough weight on to get healthy again.

This obviously really scared me and my family, it was hard to explain to my family why I had got these problems, and they got very frustrated with me as I couldn’t explain. But I think the best thing to do is to tell your family why you have the problems, so they can help you and just talk about them all. And so when you’re starting to eat your family can encourage you and help out, when you need it most. And someone telling you that you do look good it can help you and boost that your confidence up.

It is a very hard thing to go through, not just for that person but for all of the family and friends, which watch you go down hill and become very ill. Obviously this could start because of many reasons, but for me it was because I used to be overweight and I got bullied about that, and they laughed etc which just made me feel terrible so I wanted to lose weight and instead of doing it the sensible way I just basically stopped eating, and just cut out everything I thought I didn’t need so no breakfast or lunch and a very small main meal. So I became very thin and ill.

Going through this is very hard, but you have to try your hardest to just try and stop and go back to eating properly. Go and see a doctor if you are really worried or if your family is, then they can help you give you good advice and maybe get counseling for you.  It is so so hard but think of it in the long term your body will be ruined if you keep going, and you could die basically it’s as simple as that. It takes a lot of time and commitment so as long as you really want to change you can do it. I have become better but im still getting help from the doctors but putting weight on and starting to look a bit healthier, I still have a way to go though.

I hope you have enjoyed reading this.

Jack